I blame my father for this ridiculous belief that anything is possible. That if you really want something, and you work your ass off, you can probably achieve it. He tells me this over and over, that I can do anything. And then my husband comes along with the same silly notions. Yes, we can move to Hawaii. Yes, you can have your own mobile bakery. Yes, we can do anything. It is all possible.
I spent a lot of years convincing myself that I didn’t deserve to be happy. That the despair I felt each day as I drove to work was just the price I had to pay for the choices I’d made in the past. Life was never going to get any better, so I just had to deal with it. And then I left the country, and everything changed. Suddenly, I could breathe for the first time. And then at Christmas, I found myself overwhelmed with a happiness I never thought I’d feel when Geoff asked me to be his wife.
There is so much more work to do, but today we got one step closer to our dream of moving to Hawaii. Our petition for application for immigration was approved. All this means is that we can fill out the next round of paperwork and wait some more. Geoff will have to go for an interview. If we meet all of the requirements, he will receive a green card. But, of course, you have to pay the fee before the interview. He hasn’t heard anything new from the Honolulu zoo yet, but I’m still holding out strong hope for that job. That just means I have to get a job. As you can imagine, Hawaii is very expensive, so we’ll both have to work a lot to stay alive.
This means I have to do something I am very reluctant to do and find another teaching job. I have lost my motivation for teaching. I’ve had enough of the abuse and the futility. But it’s the only thing I’m trained to do, so I have to do it because money needs to be made. If anybody has any words of wisdom about why I should stay in the classroom, I’d really appreciate it. I’m feeling pretty gloomy about the prospect at the moment. I used to think I was a good teacher, but I’ve lost my confidence. I’m beaten down.
In my dreams, I am surrounded by cake and cookies and frosting all day. I just can’t make this impossible idea go away. Who am I to bake a cake? I have no experience as a baker or a business owner. All I have is this great idea and thousands of hours logged watching Food Network and reading about baking. But the idea hangs in front of my field of imagination at all times, even literally in my dreams.
The future is unknown and this blog is a wandering mess. Time is running out for us to begin a new life in a new place. Packing your bags and moving to a new place where you know no one is terrifyingly exciting. And this time it will be so much more difficult as everything is expensive and apartments are hard to find. If I didn’t waste so much time reading stupid inspirational quotes, I’d give up. But this is my life and only I can control it. Crazy risks, here I come.