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Tag Archives: Body Image

The Pact

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I have this new hair cut now and it makes me feel like thing are possible. Like I could change more than just my hair. My husband got good news at work and things are looking up. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to dig ourselves out if this abysmal hole.

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Geoff’s changing up his look, too. But the thing we most want to change is our bodies. I love food, and while I’m willing to take it easy, I’m not willing to “go on a diet.” What I really need to do is get off my butt. It’s so hard to find the motivation. It’s just so much more fun to watch movies and read food blogs. And cook things filled with cheese. And drink cocktails. Well, you get the point.

I told Geoff that we should make a Tony Stark Pepper Potts workout pact. We have to force each other to do some kind of activity for at least thirty minutes every day. And who cares if it’s fun. Suck it up. I mean, it’s obviously better if it’s fun.

We will likely fail. We will likely be soft and squishy forever because we like to eat more than we like to move. But I want to live to be very old with him. There are so many things we want to see and do. We have to stay healthy enough to conquer the world. We’ll see how it goes. I’m going to go put new batteries in the scale right now.

Eat the Street

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We hit up Eat the Street again. Once again, I don’t think I ate anything actually related to the theme of garlic. I was so busy stuffing my face and feeling fat, I didn’t even think to take photos. I ate a cheese covered waffle dog, and it was totally awesome. Just trust me on this. We also went to the cookie tent, and I really wish I could tell you the name of it because it was divine. I had a peanut butter chip brownie topped with a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream, and Geoff had a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich. They were both huge.

And this was after my coworkers brought donuts, three kinds of cake, brownie brittle, and lace cookies into the office. And the day before they made me eat three cookies. It’s ridiculous. Just getting out of hand.

Every time I say I need to lose weight or get in shape, I kind of want to punch myself in the face. On the other hand, I also want to have more energy and look good in a swim suit. I wish there was some sort of workout website comparable to kitty roulette, where I could just click a button and get a new random, and hopefully amusing, workout every day. Exercising is just such a boring waste of time. And there’s sweating. Gross.

I hope you’re eating wonderful food this weekend.

Nemesis

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We’ve been down this road before. Even I’m a bit bored with it at times. Unfortunately, it’s a place I have to continually return to. I’m counting calories again.

Our wedding is now only two months away. I want to look as good as possible, seeing as how everybody will want to be taking my picture, which is something I detest. I’m never satisfied with the way I look. I so admire people who can see a photo of themselves and think, “Hey, I look pretty damn good.” That never happens to me.

For my birthday, my husband got me a fancy new phone, a droid X. I downloaded the Live Strong app on January 2nd and have been using it to keep track of everything I eat, along with all of my exercise. This has turned the bane of my existence into an even greater monster than before. I now get only 1300 calories per day where I once had 1500. If I liked fruits and vegetables, maybe it would be manageable, but the food I love, the food that really makes me happy, is carbarrific, usually cheesy, and often sweet. Very few things in life give me as much pleasure as chocolate, and I’d happily have a cheeseburger as my last meal. I can’t remember a single time in my life where I thought “Hmm… You know what sounds really good right now? A salad.” That never ever happens.

This is what I do with my spare time and why I never lose weight.

This is what I do with my spare time and why I never lose weight.

And to add insult to injury, my husband, who’s tracking his calories as well, is allowed five hundred calories more than me and burns almost twice as much when we do the same exercise. While I’m struggling to get in enough exercise to break even, he’s sitting on the couch with five hundred calories to spare. In fact, after I finish writing this, he’s going to have to watch me do five minutes of jumping jacks to burn off those sweet potatoes fries he asked me to help him eat tonight.

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I usually give up on “dieting” after about two weeks. It’s just too annoying not to be able to do the things that make me happy. Do I need a beautiful body? Probably not. Do I want to let my friends and family see all my squishiness when we go to the beach while they’re here? Probably not. It’s a rough world, folks. I would feel so much better if I could just relax with a bar of chocolate and a glass of wine. But I can’t. Expect grumpiness ahead.

Will Power

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Ah, will power.  It’s such an important quality.  It keeps one out of all sorts of trouble.  Alas, I have none.  Especially not when it comes to ice cream.  Especially not when it comes to Cold Stone chocolate ice cream with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  (Incidentally, that’s the only way you can get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in Taiwan.)  And most especially not when my husband is so keen on going out and getting a fix.  Of ice cream.

Confession is good for the soul, right?  So let me give a little dietary confession.  Here’s what I ate today.  I had the other half of that white cake that I told you about yesterday.  You know, the one with all the chemicals that I complained about.  Did you actually think that was going to stop me from finishing it?  Ha, you don’t know me at all.  For lunch, I had a whole wheat tortilla sprinkled with some shredded cheddar cheese, popped in the microwave, rolled up and dipped in sour cream.  After swimming at Kuhio beach, I had a poorly made creamsicle shave ice which I didn’t finish because the flavor didn’t go all the way to the bottom.  For dinner we ate chicken tortellini.  I picked off all the vegetables.  Then I let my husband talk me into going out for ice cream, even though it’s expensive and fattening.  So, basically, I had three desserts in one day.  I have a problem.

You might have noticed that I like food.  Most especially, I like sugary foods.  They bring a lot of pleasure to my life.  It’s my only serious vice.  I realize I am extremely fortunate.  I can eat a bunch of sugar and still stay relatively thin.  Not movie star thin, but I’m not overweight, and I never go to the gym.  In fact, I sort of abhor the thought of exercise for exercise’s sake.  So, I’m wondering if I should feel guilty about this bad habit of mine?  I seem to still be relatively healthy, even though I eat so many carbs and almost no fruits and vegetables.  I can get away with it, so why shouldn’t I indulge?  Perhaps the guilt is the only thing that allows me to maintain some semblance of moderation.

Tomorrow I’m making a chocolate lime tart.  Want to come over and help me eat it so that I can feel less guilty?  It would be a huge help.

Getting Old

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I used to easily be able to stay up until 3 am or later and then sleep until noon the next day without a pinch of regret.  What happened to me?  I can’t manage to keep my eyes open much past midnight these days, even if I’ve had a luxurious nap.  And I can’t remember the last time I slept past 9 am.  There’s something about the quality of the morning light here that just forces me out of bed.  It’s pathetic.

I’ve also noticed a lot of changes to my appearance this year.  I get a new weird mole every twenty minutes, it seems.  My butt seems to sag a bit more than it used to.  My arms are particularly flabby.  I have distinct lines around my eyes.  I am officially wrinkly.  I don’t like this one bit.  Time and gravity are taking their toll.  I’m not ready to pay it.

And I’m only just now getting to a place in my life where I feel like I know what I want, and I actually have some idea about how to get it.  I’ve learned to accept who I am and not try to change or adjust to other people’s expectations.  I’m not so lost anymore.  Unfortunately, this new found wisdom doesn’t show in my face.  The only thing my face seems to show these days is that I’m tired.  Time is a cruel mistress.

I spent a great day eating and laughing with friends.  I baked a couple dozen cookies for a little FYOC party today.  Just another excuse to get rid of things in my refrigerator.  Come by and frost your own cookie with all the left over frosting I’ve accumulated over the past couple weeks.  It should be delicious.  And while we’re getting fat, we can compare wrinkles.

Full House

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Yes, I know it’s actually Monday morning and not Sunday evening.  It was like a slumber party at my house last night, complete with movie time, so my computer was inaccessible up until bedtime.  My apologies.

Our day started with showing Zach how to use a piping bag so he could add the green potion to our cauldron cakes.  The cakes all fell in the oven, not sure why, but Zach used this to his advantage.  He simply filled up the caved in centers with even more cream cheese frosting, making these cakes ridiculously delicious.

Most of the day was consumed by reading our Oahu Lonely Planet guide.  I forgot to mention that the very first thing we woke up to was Geoff being officially offered the position of education coordinator at the Honolulu Zoo.  Finally.  So now I’m free to get excited about our move with wild abandon.  My job prospects are not nearly as good, but I’m sure I can find work waiting tables or working in a hotel or something. I love reading this book and making plans in my mind to visit all the beaches and hiking trails around the island.  I also discovered that there’s an English pub in Waikiki, so my husband will have a homesick remedy.

Later we walked all over town in a rain storm.  I didn’t mind at all.  There’s something so refreshing about being able to walk in the rain.  You end up soaked regardless, so I’d prefer to be dripping in rain water rather than sweat.

It was a great day surrounded by friends.  I ate WAY too may cupcakes.  But who cares.  Just because I’m moving to a place where everybody wears a bikini everywhere doesn’t mean I shouldn’t gorge myself on cupcakes.  Oh, wait.  What?  Damn.

Spaced Out

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The first crash of thunder was heard just after 2 pm.  I’ve only just noticed, at twenty past eight, that it seems to have stopped raining.  It’s been stormy all afternoon.  It’s hard enough for me to be energetic on a Monday, but with the quiet falling rain outside and the relatively cool temperature on my couch, it’s been practically impossible to stay awake.

I’ve felt the kind of empty exhaustion today that only carbs can fill.  I admit I ate a bowl of pasta and then chased it with a bowl of Cheerios.  My discipline food-wise has pretty much gone out the window lately.  I miss the days when I could eat anything and never have to think about it.

I find myself once again struggling for something important to say.  It’s difficult to feel loved and supported in this place where so many things work against you.  There is a palpable prejudice against foreigners at my office, and we’ve even experienced some low-level harassment at our apartment building. I live in a state of constant cognitive dissonance these days.  It really is a bit like being in Wonderland.  What’s right is wrong.  What’s up is down.  I can never quite seem to wrap my head around it.  It does indeed make me feel quite mad at times.

But for all that, I’m grateful for what I have learned from this experience of living abroad.  It has given me a better understanding of what it means to be an immigrant.  And it has further instilled in me the desire to abolish the tragic lie of the border.  In my mind, we are all citizens of one planet.  We should be able to share it and roam around it as we please.  I should certainly be allowed to take my husband into my own country without hassle.  People should be allowed to seek their fortune on whatever plot of earth they wish, provided that they live within the law.  I long for the day when the illusion of country will fall away, and we will truly embrace our common unity.  Until then, I guess I’ll just keep filling out paperwork.