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All At Once

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I haven’t been around here much lately. I just didn’t have anything to say. I was busy hanging out with my kid and worrying about money and doing things that are probably pretty boring that you don’t want to hear about. I have to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world if I miss a few posts from time to time.

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Emily flew out Monday night. I successfully managed not to cry while she was packing. We spent the day waiting for a tropical storm to hit, so it was raining the entire day. We hung around the house playing games, reading, and enjoying our last hours in the same house. But all too soon it was time to get in the car and drive to the airport.

This was her first solo trip that wasn’t a direct flight, so we went over the procedure several times, and I insisted that she call me at every airport. And before I had time to catch my breath, it was time to send her through security and on her way out of our daily lives until Christmas. I smiled, hugged her hard, told her I loved her and was so very proud of her, that she would love her new school, and I couldn’t wait for her to come back. We stood there and watched her disappear around the corner, and my heart broke like it does every single time. I’m not strong enough for this.

But you keep breathing and the Earth keeps spinning and you have to continue with your life. I’ve had my resume put forward for three different jobs at the agency this week. I’m desperately hoping that I will be going to a job, any job, by Monday morning. I am in desperate need of a paycheck.

In the meantime, I’m still wishing that blogging could be my job, but I don’t think I’m very good at it. I’m going to try to put more focus and energy into it now that our little pretend vacation is over. I need a job so I can do the work I’m interested in. The work that brings me joy.  I’m not giving up. I’m still learning. I need to remember that I still haven’t reached the six month mark, the point at which I was supposed to be launching my own site that I’ve already had for two months. It’s gonna be okay.

The day after Emily leaves is always a day to reflect and readjust. That emptiness has to be filled somehow. I hope one of these days before I die I can become a person that my daughter can be proud of. Maybe some day.

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About Renee

Life should be awesome, even if your paycheck isn't. I'm trying to live awesomely on $20 a day.

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