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How to Make a Cholesterol Sandwich

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Step 1: Wake up hungry, remember you have bacon in the fridge, turn to your husband and simply utter the word “bacon!”

Step 2: Make sure you have something to keep you occupied and out of the kitchen so as to avoid becoming a creepy annoying backseat chef.

Step 3: Fry up some bacon.

Step 4: Don’t forget the tea or coffee.

Step 5: Let you bacon drain on some paper towels. This is obviously Geoff’s bacon. You can still see some of the fat. I like to cook my bacon to within five seconds of incinerated. It has to be so crispy that I can’t feel the fat on my teeth. Then I can pretend like it’s not there and just enjoy the delciousness. Make sure you don’t drain out the bacon fat from the pan. You’re going to need that later.

Step 6: At some point, you should put some bread in the toaster. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you exactly when this happens. I’m in the living room pretending like there’s not someone messing about in my kitchen. You need to have two pieces ready, though, to put your eggs on, so make sure you have at least half of it made before you crack the first egg.

Step 7: This is where it gets really disgusting. The first time I saw Geoff’s egg frying method, I was seriously grossed out. And then I ate the sandwich and just swore to never watch him make them again. Remember all that bacon fat we held on to from earlier. Crack your egg right in to that. Gently splash some of the fat over the top of the egg to help the whites set up without having to flip the egg. Cook it in this manner until the whites are set but the yolk is delightfully sticky and runny.

Step 8: Once you put that egg in, things become critical. Upon cracking, call your wife in from the living room where she’s been deliberately avoiding you. Make sure you have some mayo spread on your toast. This serves two purposes. First, it taste good. Duh. Second, this thin layer of fat helps prevent that bacon grease from making your bread soggy.

Step 9: Spin around and get a hot fried egg placed on top of your mayo-slathered toast. Add some cheese, whatever you have in the fridge, and some super crispy bacon. Slather the other half of your toast with some more moisture-blocking mayo, and cover that baby up.

Step 10: Make sure you have some napkins because this will get messy. You will likely drip delicious egg yolk all over the place. For a second, you might think about how unhealthy it is, but with every bite, you’ll become increasingly euphoric and soon realize the potential heart attack might just be worth it. Seriously. This tastes so amazing. It’s even better because someone else does most of the work. I wish I was eating one right now.


About Renee

Life should be awesome, even if your paycheck isn't. I'm trying to live awesomely on $20 a day.

4 responses »

  1. This looks friggin delish. The BF makes these, but with butter instead of mayo. He says it’s not the same as English Bacon Buttys (does Geoff ever call them that?) Because our bacon is a sad, pathetic imitation of real bacon. AKA, a thin slice of meat surrounded by about 3 inches of fat per side.

    • Yes, he still refers to them as bacon butties. I think I’ve got him convinced that American crispy bacon is pretty awesome. When he first tried to get me to eat a bacon butty, it was flacid, barely-cooked bacon on untoasted bread with ketchup. I was underwhelmed. I think we’ve seriously improved on that method with these. He still has ketchup on his instead of mayo, but I forgive him. That’s what love is all about. 😉

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