I finished those cupcakes yesterday. It was a pretty messy business trying to get that cherry jam into the center. Then it was so hot that the frosting was melting as I was trying to put it on to the cupcakes. I was so frustrated. I wanted them to look perfectly adorable. Geoff helped me put each box immediately back into the fridge to set so that I could add the literal cherry on top. I think they came out pretty damn cute.
I also kept two plain cupcakes back for Geoff and I to sample, his with fresh whipped cream, mine with some of that obnoxiously temperature sensitive chocolate frosting, because neither of us like cherries. I was amazed at how tender and flavorful the cake was. Nigella’s devil’s food cake recipe produced the best chocolate cupcakes I’d ever made. But you may have spotted my problem. I now had 19 chocolate cherry cupcakes in my fridge, and I didn’t even want to eat them. So I had to give them away.
Nearly everywhere I went yesterday, I took a box of cupcakes with me. I had to go to work to judge the speech contest, so I took six cupcakes along for people to sample. Nearly everybody I offered one to got so excited about the mere mention of cupcakes, and they all said they tasted fabulous.
Later we met up with our friend Megan, her sister, and her sister’s friends outside a shopping mall. They were waiting there specifically to try my cupcakes. Megan had seen the photo on Facebook and wanted to try them, so I told her we’d meet up that night, thinking she’d probably forget. But no, they all stood there, five girls, waiting to try my cupcakes. When I opened the box, they seemed so impressed that I had made them myself, and they each took one with a huge smile on their faces. After many photos were taken (Taiwanese LOVE to take photos of themselves and their food) they finally unwrapped them and started to devour. Everybody seemed so happy. I was thrilled.
People liked something that I made. They were impressed by not just the taste, but the appearance of them as well. They were so happy eating them. This makes me extremely happy. It makes me feel special and important and talented and brilliant. And yet I wonder if this is a problem. Do I only cook and bake so that I can get compliments? Am I just waiting for someone to tell me how amazing I am? Is feeding people really just a trick to feed my own ego? Am I a praise junky? It makes me happy to make other people happy, but I also like hearing that I am good at something. I used to get applause for my talent as a dancer. It felt good. I guess I still need applause. I can’t decide if this is normal, or if I’m some sort of sick egotistical freak with a giant hole in my soul that can only be filled by butter and sugar and chocolate and compliments. What’s wrong with me?